Heavy Hearted

Only half way through the week and already there is so much sadness around me. Three deaths and a call this morning that my cousin (in Costa Rica) will likely not see next week. My heart is aching not for myself but for those that have lost so much more this week. I was not close to those who have passed but I do know that it feels like to lose someone you love dearly. I remember those first few nights when the shock is still setting in and the loss is so surreal your mind has trouble rapping around it. The thought of no longer having this person in your life is too much to bare. The cold fact that from that point on no new memories will be made and all future plans will no longer come to be.

I remember when my Abuelita died (I was 16) and I cried till my body had no water left in it. I cried cause I wanted to see her one last time and cause I didn't speak enough Spanish to really get to know her and cause I was so young I would never really understand anything she had tried to teach me about life. I missed her home made everything, especially her home made tortillas with butter. She was such a wonderful women and I love her deeply.

The spring of my Senior year was filled with tears and hospitals. My Pawpaw had a stroke and was in the ICU for a couple of months followed my physical therapy and finally he walked again after everyone had said he wouldn't (he was a hard headed Coonass). But then they found cancer and then there was a heart attack two weeks before graduation and I cried. I cried cause he was the grandparent that didn't have to love me and he did (not my blood grandfather). I cried cause who was gonna build a boat outta matches for my house when I grew up and who was gonna tell me to stop singing that song you don't even know what your saying (it had words in french). Who was gonna dress up as Santa every Christmas? Who was gonna say that women should just stay home and have babies and then tell me except for you, my grand daughters can do anything. He was a crazy old Coonass that was set in his ways but I love him.

Then two months later my Abuelito found out after a Doctors visit that he was dieing, he fought for six months and then the cancer became too much. I was again heart broken. I cried because I had gotten to know him so well in the last few years of his life. I cried cause he promised to dance with me at my wedding and now he wouldn't be there at all. I cried cause who on earth was gonna make benches for my first house and come over if I needed something fixed. Who was gonna tell me that I'm too pretty to cry when I was upset? And who was gonna make sure I had ice cream two or three times a week?

Then two years later while in Iraq my cousin passed just a month before his 22nd birthday and I fell to the ground crying. I cried cause we were close most our lives. I cried cause he was so young and he would never be a father. I cried for my aunt and uncle and cousin who's world was now upside down. I cried cause I lived in Costa Rica and missed the funeral. I cried cause who was gonna moon everyone at family and church events. Who was gonna make us all hurt from laughing so much. He was a crazy kid and he is missed and loved.

Even now there are days that I miss them all more than I can bare. I still can't watch war movies cause I think of how Leroy (my cousin) was killed. I still don't drive down my Abuelo's neighborhood (a short cut to get to church). And no one has dressed up as Santa in eight years. But I have laughed and danced and lived even when for a bit it felt like I wouldn't. And mostly I remember them and talk about them fondly and I choose to only remember the good stuff, the reasons I loved them so much.

I guess I just want those who have lost loved ones lately to know I've been there and that I'm here for you if you need me. remember always I have listening ears, open arms and a caring heart that is hurting with you.

So little time...

Since the last time I wrote it seems like a life time has passed. The new year has started and it's already been a trip. In the first week of the new year I started thinking about what things I'd like to change in my life. Not a resolution... I find those pointless cause most people pick things that aren't really important to them. So I thought about last year... last year I decided to quit bitting my nails. It was crazy hard and totally worth it. I did have one fall out when finals came in May '08 and it took me a while but I got back on trace and I don't even think about bitting my nails any more. I also discovered that I like having nails. I like painting them and taking care of them. So I wanted to do something just as meaningful and that would leave me with the same filling of fulfillment. The more I though about it the more I realized there was several things I'd like to change in my life. So I sorted them out in different categories: Health, School, Family, Life Style and a few others. Looking over the list of things to better (not change) I realized that a lot of things have to do with better managing my time. Of course I'm sure you might think that writing a blog would help with managing time but I like writing my blog but I just don't seem to have the time for it and that's one thing I'd like to change. Anyways, I just want to encourage you (if anyone's reading this) to take time to reflect and really decided what you'd like to better in your life.