Truth Hoarders

This past summer one of my Aunts, that lives in Costa Rica, was diagnosed with cancer. The family was devastated by this news and of course those of her siblings that live in the U.S.A. immediately schedule trips to visit her. After much deliberation, the doctors gave her the worse case scenario (six months) then they gave her her options. My Aunt, like so many others, chose to fight but what if the doctors never gave her that choice. What if when she was feeling sick she went to the doctors, they ran test, and when the results came in they decided not to share the bad news with her or tell her how to be healed. What if they allowed the fact that the conversation was going to be difficult and uncomfortable to convince them that she did not actually need to know the truth of her situation. Most people would think that the thought of a doctor doing anything like this is ridiculous and completely unrealistic.

This is what we do every time someone allows us to see the pain they are living in and we neglect to speak the truth of God to them and into their situation. At times our hesitation come form society constantly telling us not to force our beliefs on others. Other times it's because we have become so occupied by our lives that we can not be bothered to take the time or make the effort to reach out to the hurting. When will we learn that sharing our beliefs does not mean we are forcing them on others? We should be willing to speak truth into the lives of those around us no matter the cost.

When we become people who "attend church" rather than being the church we become truth hoarders. Truth hoarders are those who search out the truth and take their fill of truth and keep it to themselves. Rather than pouring out truth into others they become stagnant like the Dead Sea. We were meant to be overflowing with truth, overflowing means that it is pouring out of us. When we fail to do so one day we will wake up and realize that we are not just allowing others around us to die but we are slowly killing ourselves. Like the Dead Sea, nothing can thrive or even live when it remains constantly stagnant.

The Struggle

I lay before you with the all to obvious reality that I am unworthy. Again I have failed to comprehend the truth of who you are. Again I have longed for something more than my time with you. Why do I fail to realize that you are all need, that you would fill the spaces in my soul if I let you. I am lacking and many times I cannot understand why you would even want me.

I dare not go into your presence because there my filthy rages are clearly visible. In your presence I cannot hide what I do not want to see. Fear paralyzes me as I dare to draw closer to you; slowly I gain the strength to face you. My emotions begin to sway as if they are against each other. They tell me I am not enough, they remind me of my failures, and they begin to overpower my will with their half-truths. I struggle for my life, to breath, to be free. My emotions begin to chain me down and weigh on my soul. Finally, as if with the last of my strength I cry out your name.

Immediately you are with me, you break my chains and pick me up into your arms. Then you whisper truth into my soul. You tell me of your love for me, a love that led you to die for me. I cannot fathom why you the creator of all, the one who has always been, the one who speaks things into existence, the one who holds life in his hands would want me... but you do and you heal me with with your truth.

The dreamer's heart trapped in a realist's mind

There is a constant battle waging on inside of me. Do I blindly follow my heart wherever it takes me or do I do the "smart" thing? I feel as if more often than not the realist wins the battle but I am beginning to learn that the dreamer is sometimes right. Sometimes in life I need to blindly jump even though it's scary and I have no idea what I'm jumping into.

This summer I went to Greece on a study abroad trip, one of our day trips was to Andros Island. It was beautiful! While we were swimming in the Mediterranean Sea a friend called for me to come see something. I went to where she was and she told me, "I just jumped off the cliff, now it's your turn." I looked at her and then started to walk toward the edge of the cliff so that I could see where I'd be jumping, if I decided to jump, but before I could get to the edge she stopped me and said don't look, don't think, just trust me and jump." Then I gave her this "It's never gonna happen" look and she said, "Don't make me out do you on this trip." That was all I needed, it was the extra push I needed, I told myself if she did it I can do it. So I said okay, backed up a bit, and ran toward the end of the cliff and jumped off. It was terrifying and completely thrilling all at the same time. I had no idea how high up I was and what was below me until I jumped. The jump was about 50 feet high and I still have no idea how deep the water was but I was nowhere near touching the bottom.

This experience among others (like moving across the country to follow my dream of going seminary) has lead me to a place where I am finally beginning to allow myself to think the dreamer in me has it right and maybe neither the dreamer nor the realist are always right but they are both sometimes right. Yes I do still need to be realistic in that I need to get my studying done on time and turn in assignments and be a responsible adult however there is no reason I shouldn't dream of what I want to do when I finish seminary. I have every right to dream that one day I will be working in ministry full-time and be married to an amazing Godly man who is worth waiting for and that I will have the children I have longed for and dreamed of all these years. But also I am allowed to dream of the life I can have now. I can pour myself out into women that are younger than me because I know what it is like to wish that more women would have taken the time share their victories and defeats with me (and I still do). I can be all the things to others that I wish I had had.

So as for the realist and it's ideas of self preservation and advancement, it will have to seek another to dominate because I think it's about time I remembered how to dream big and without fear. Sometimes, I need to remember that I don't actually have control over my life and that when I give God control I can trust that whatever He has asked me to jump into He will be with me through whatever it is. When I think of it that way allowing the dreamer in me to win is comforting.

Off with the Toe!

Our bodies are such complicated and magnificent creations. Every part of our body was made to work together in harmony, however sometimes there are complications and disease begins to spread throughout the body. Other times the body begins to attack itself while attempting to heal. Through the course of my life I have seen this to also be true for the body of Christ. More times than should be the case, when a member of the body is hurting or spiritually wounded the rest of the body begins to attack. I understand that at times it is best for the body as a whole to lose a toe however one does not cut off a toe when there is still an option to save it. Last month I stubbed my toe on a statue, it was very painful. Jokingly a friend suggested than I cut off the toe so that I no longer felt the pain from it. Instead, like most people of sound mind, I had the toe wrapped and then kept it elevated while I slept. The following morning I woke to find that I could walk with much less pain. I began to think about how this applies to the church body. Many times the reactions of members of the church body toward someone who is causing pain to the body as a whole or that is diseased with sin is to cut them off. However, if cutting off a person from the church was viewed with the same devastation and seriousness as cutting off a toe or foot then perhaps we would realize that it is better for the body as a whole to attack the disease instead of the person. We have the choice of whether we will bandage up our sick and wounded or whether we will cut them off. I believe that until there is no other option we should fight to heal every member of the body of Christ. 

The Unseen Prince

My eyes are liers. They do not see him so they tell me he is not real. I pity them. They are cursed to only know and believe what they can see. What a horrid existence. They lack so must of what makes mankind extrodinary. What would one be without the imagination of a mind, the hope that flows through a heart and the faith that that lies in a soul that has placed it's trust in the Lord. I refuse to hear their lies any longer. If my eyes cannot see what is so clear to my heart and soul I have no interest in what they have to say.

He is so close to my heart that I can feel his heart beating for God's will in our lives and together our souls yearn to take hope to the oppressed. He is forever in my mind and prayers. I pray that he does not listen to his lying eyes. I am here. Already I am a part of who he is and will be.  I pray that he will draw close to our God and that he finds his purpose, worth, and meaning in our Loving Father. May the God of all creation fulfill all his needs and grant him the desires of his heart. Though my eyes cannot see him I know that one day as we are both following God's will for our lives our paths will cross and finally my eyes will see what my heart and soul have always know.

How my new phase began

This weekend I came to realize that I will not be returning to live in Texas after I graduate next May. The strange thing is my Mom realized it too. When I left Texas this past January and headed to Virginia with a Uhual trailer attached to the back of my little Vibe I was sure I'd be back home when I finished Grad School. That was before Liberty University and before Oasis Church and a bunch of amazing people who I had never met all became part of who I am. A little over four months is all it took to change everything including part of who I am. I will forever be a Texas girl and I will always love Texas and it will always be home in my heart but at least for a while it will not be where I lie my head each night. I have written a few other blogs about things I have realized this past spring but I am going to really lay it out there now. It is not easy for me to be so honest about some of the things I will be sharing but I think it's important to share what we experience in life to help other's that are now experiencing those things. To tell this story properly I have to back track a but and give the back story of this journey. So we will begin with the basics.

Like I said I'm a Texas Girl straight to the core of my being. I have always loved Texas and been proud to call it home. I have amazing parents who are still madly in love with each other after 32 years of marriage. They are not in any way perfect but they do better than most, but this is not their story so that is all you need to know about them for now. I am the oldest and have two sisters and a brother and one nephew. I love my family very much and I would do almost anything for them. I grew up surrounded with lots of love and encouraged to follow my dreams. For so many many reasons when I was a senor in High School I let go of my dreams, in part I think that lose of my Pawpaw (Grandfather) to cancer hit hard. Then within a year I lost my Abuelito (Grandfather in Spanish) to cancer as well. Anyhow, I let my dreams go. My family moved to Costa Rica for When I returned because of complications I had to start my degree plan from the beginning and I was crushed. I am not normally one to give up on anything so I didn't. I started from the beginning and worked to pay for my International Business Bachelors Degree. While doing so I volunteered for Redeemed Ministries in Houston and was blessed with the opportunity to work with women who were trafficked into the sex industry and with survivors. Working as a volunteer there for three years made me a more compassionate person. Before Redeemed I had been guilty of thinking that women in the sex industry were there because they wanted to be but as I researched and met more and more women I learned that no health and fulfilled person would ever chose that life. My heart was broken for women everywhere that were suffering alone and judged by anyone that met them. I was forever changed by the work of Redeemed Ministries and I will never forget them or their work. Then a couple of years ago I finally did it. At 27 I received my Bachelors Degree and it was amazing to know I hadn't given up.

Earlier I said I gave up on my dreams and I did give up on some dreams but I loved business school and graduating was a dream come true. During my last semester of school I began looking for a job but unlike many of my classmates I did not apply to every opening I found. I wanted to be in God's will so I came up with a list of what I needed in a job and I did not apply if the job did not met the list. Six months after graduating I was called for an interview at the company I really wanted to get into, it had been my only interview in the year I had been looking. I had been praying for God to close every door He did  not want to to enter and He did just that. I got the job and started in Feb of 2011. In March I became a Youth leader, I loved the students more than I thought possible. I spent all my extra time with them or planning events or getting ready for the next service. My life changed, those students changed me and made me better in so many ways. I had never been around so many hurting youth. Most of the students came from broken families and many had a parent in prison. The Youth Pastor was an amazing man of God who loved those students and put them first in many cases. His wife became one of my closes friends, she is truly an example of a wife following her husband wherever God leads him. His mother is such an wonderful women of God and I clung to her, she reminded me so much of my own mother. Pressing on, this family impacted my life more than I think they know.

One day in November of 2011 I was speaking with the Youth Pastor and he asked me why I worked for a big business when I clearly have a heart for ministry. Before I could answer the question he asked what my dream job was, if money didn't matter. I told him I had always wanted to go to seminary and then going into ministry and he asked what was keeping me from doing so. I started listing everything that had always kept me from it but he interrupted and asked what was currently holding me back. I didn't have an answer and he had to hang up so we left it at that. But my mind could not escape his question. What was keeping me from my dreams? The more I thought of it the more the answer was clear... I was. I had allowed myself to uses other things as excuses to not take a chance on my dreams. He forced me, in a way that only a true friend can, to look inside myself and question my decision to give up on my dreams because it was going to be hard to reach. When I realized I was in the way of my dreams I applied to seminary that same day and when I received y acceptance a week later I told my parents I was leaving to Virginia to follow my dreams and attend seminary. They were floored and I was overjoyed. After so many years I had accepted that my dreams were gone and that they would never come true only to discover that when we put our trust in God it is never too late for our dreams to come true.

Shortly after I put in my notice at work and began preparing to move to Virginia with my youngest sister (her story is hers to tell). The saying good-bye, packing and drive up itself were difficult because we knew no one in the state of Virginia and had never even visited the university before. We were going on faith and dreams. It literally felt like we were dreaming and at any moment we would wake up in our parents house in Texas but we didn't. At first it was incredibly difficult to be so far from everyone we loved and to not know anyone but God blessed us richly by surrounding us with some of the most amazing people we have ever known. To call them friends now seems insufficient, they became family, the people who I call when something is going on. Again I have been changed by the people God has brought into my life and I am eternally thankful for it... but more on that later, this entry has already surpassed that I expected it would be.


Until next time, hold onto the dreams God has placed in you, they are there for a purpose; you will never feel as peaceful and whole as you will when you are following God's will for your life.

Nightmares Are Dreams Too

It seems weird to even type that title. I feel in part that I’m not being true to what I thought I wanted my Blog to be about, I changed it recently. However, if I’m going to write about my life and my dreams coming true then I think I need to write about the nightmares that will followed me along the way. They can come creeping into my dream world, only I don’t get to wake up from them, i have to live through them. For now all I want to say is that if in the middle of your dreams you begin to live a nightmare hold on because it will pass and the dream will continue on. Even when it seems like all you are living through is nightmare after nightmare one day you will wake up to a dream coming true; it may not look like what you thought it would look like but, if you trust God with your dreams, it will be exactly what you need.

Until next time, hold onto your dreams and be willing to live them out when possible.

Is Jesus enough?

If everything else falls apart is Jesus enough for me? If I have Jesus can I let everything else go? When the bottom falls out from under my life and it seems like I'm going to lose everything will it be enough for me to have Jesus?  Yes Jesus is enough but do we remember that when we are in crisis?

Honestly, sometimes I feel like yes Jesus is big enough in my life that I will remember He is enough. However there are other times when I forget everything that He is to and for me. I'm not proud of it but it is the truth. As much as Christ has done in my life it would seem logical for me to remember that He is enough when everything seems to crumble but I am Israel, I forget about the miracles as soon as something difficult comes along. I hate that what my eyes see over takes what my soul knows to be true.

Lord, "I do believe; help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24) When I realize how little faith I have through my crisis or even situations that arise I hope that my soul would cry out like this father did in Mark. More importantly I know that in those moments Christ will have compassion on my and save me from myself and my situation. It might not always look like what I want it to look like but it will always be what is best and it will always bring God Glory. I'm sure this Father would have preferred his son be set free years before but God had a purpose for the healing to take place when it did. I pray that what ever I need to life through God would give me the strength to endure it for as long as I need to so that His Kingdom will be glorified.

All I know is...

that I was blind and now I see. - John 9:25

I love this verse, so many times that's how I feel. I have been reading books about how to evangelize and what to say and different scriptures that help because they speak truth to the lost. When reading about evangelism I think about my brother and sister and how they would receive what the author is saying. I literally can't help but think of their objections and of where they are in their lives. I love them both dearly and I know they have both been hurt by people who have basically attacked them with scripture, though their hearts where in the right place they did no one a favor. With them in mind I read another book on evangelism and the above verse rang truer in my heart and life. There comes a point when I feel like we have to go further than just quoting scripture to people who do not believe the Bible is true. I think we need to be willing to share the influence Christ has had on our lives and that means being willing to allow another to see our our flaws and to know we are not perfect. Many times we are willing to say we are all flawed but we are unwilling to share beyond that point, in order to protect our image, without thought of how what we have experienced can help someone else that is in pain.

"Our pain becomes the scars for people to see the healing power of our great God. Not only does He heal; He transforms what could have destroyed us."

I want this to be true in my life. Since I have no choice but to suffer at times in this life my hope is that someone else see the scars that are left behind and that they point to God and how he has healed me of my past wounds. That being so, one of the things I've been learning while at Liberty University is that for others to see my scars I have to be willing to show my scares to them. I had to write a recovery testimony about a deep wound that God had healed. Sharing such an extremely personal wound with thirty-five other people and then sharing how God has brought me through it was humbling and freeing. I am continuing to find that the more I show my scars to others, the less self-conscious I am about them and the less it hurts to remember they are there. There is beauty in knowing that because Jesus' blood has covered my wounds I don't have to be embarrassed by them. I can show my scars freely. I can share with others that even though, when the wounds were fresh, I thought I was never going to make it through I was not destroyed. I am healed. I am transformed. I am free.

Godly Men at Liberty

Life on campus can be challenging at times for a twenty-eight year old women but one of the things I'm thankful to have been able to see this semester are the Godly men. I know that sounds a bit sketchy/fleshy, so let me expand. Here on campus I live in apartment style housing, each building has four floors, the first & second floor is a "Hall". Each girls Hall is assigned a Brother Hall, we get together to go to games and movies and frozen yogert. Because of this set up I've been able to get to know the young men in my Brother Hall and it continues to be a pleasure. They have restored my hope for the the coming generations. They are by no means perfect and of course they will always be men so I can't pretend to understand them all the time. However, they are men of God and as such they are gentlemen. They open doors, take our dishes and let us have their seats on convo when there aren't enough seats but all of these things are simple and expected of a southern man. What really impressed me was something so small that you would have to be looking to find it, and I have the habit of people watching. Superbowl Sunday we all got together to watch the game, as per the norm some of the commerials were anything but edifying. One commercial came on for lingerie, which of course means a mostly naked women was on the screen, and to my surprise there was a man that looked away. He began talking with someone, my guess is to keep his mind elsewhere; the point is he didn't look at the screen. He didn't look away because the model had anything less than a perfect body, he looked away because he wants to live a life above reproach. After the game I went up to him and thanked him for his integrity, he gave me a questioning look so I added, when it came to the commercial. He looked a bit shocked that I had noticed and said, "Thank you. I'm trying. It's hard when stuff is in your face but I want to live a life above reproach." I told him that I just wanted to encourage him and for him to know not only I but other women had noticed and we appreciated it. Then the other night a group of us went to the movies to see The Vow and there were parts of the movie that were less that appropriate, of course. So every time the main actress was less than fully clothed all the guys would look to the side until the scene changed. I was so proud of them and honored to know them. I am sure they have their own struggles, as we all do, but they are trying to live a life that is pleasing to God and that is to be commended. It is easy to live in integrity when the world is saying it's acceptable to do anything that feels good but as the Bible says, "Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry." Colossians 3:5

2/10/12

Yesterday was one of those days. I was sitting in class and my Professor was telling us a story about one of his daughters, I don't even remember what it was about or why he told it. Any how I found myself wishing I could hug my Daddy and just like that I wanted to be home. I'm beginning to feel the seclusion that comes with moving so far away from home and living on campus at twenty-eight. I really do enjoy getting to know all the ladies here how ever I am in such a different place than they are. Most are in their undergraduate programs and can not possibly understand what to expect from life at twenty-eight. Of course there are some who forget my age and say things like I'll die if I'm not married with children at twenty-five and then everyone turns and looks at me as if to see whether I'm going to take offense or not... who are some lovely awkward moments. All I ever say is I thought that too until twenty-five came and left and now here I am. Most days I don't think about the fact that I'm twenty-eight and single but some days it's all I think of no matter how I try to avoid it.

I am thankful that I can call my friend Tori. Some times she's the only one that can understand what I'm feeling cause we're in the same situation. I spoke with her just last week and we were "laughing" at the fact that one of her friends had just had her second wedding, laughter at times is the only thing that keeps us from breaking down in tears. One of the craziest things is that we're not even asking for some of the ridiculous things we thought were important when we were younger. I no longer have an image of an unrealistic Disney Prince. Now what I want more than anything is a man after God's heart, a worshiper who wants to study the Word of God and longs to grow closer to Christ, a man who will love is role as the head (pastor) of our home. I want a man that is consumed by his passion for God so much so that he will never be capable of loving me as much as he loves God. I long for a husband that has a heart for the lost and oppressed people of the world. No longer do I dream of a big wedding and reception now my dreams are about having someone to live everyday with that will be my partner through all of life's crazy turns.

I don't understand why I don't get to have that right now. I don't think I will ever understand why it is necessarily for me to have to face so much loneliness and solitude while waiting for years. All I know and what I cling to is that when I do met my future husband he will prove to be worth all to waiting and heart break. Until then I will continue to "be about my Father's business".

Unknown future

The unknown can be so scary and intimidating. That's what I'm facing right now, I have no idea when I'll have money in the bank and how I'm going to pay my bills. I don't know what kind of job to pursue or when to do so. It can be a bit much. I know that I'm where I should be and I know that I need to focus on school but I also know that there is more I need to do I just don't know what it is yet. Tomorrow I'm going to go talk to the HR department at the university and find out what is available for me here. I think I would be happy working for Liberty University, the environment here is so focused on community and helping each other become who God is molding us to be I can't imagine a better place to be while I pursue who God wants me to become and what has been waiting here for me all this time while I was trying to figure out what was next. I can say this if I had been asked three months ago where is be today I would have never said Lynchburg, VA. I'm a Texas girl and that will never change no matter what my GPS location is but for now Lynchburg and Liberty University are my home a away from home. I can only hope to be in Texas again some day. For now all my curiosities will remain unanswered and that is ok. I know God is teaching me to trust Him more and I will.