The Struggle

I lay before you with the all to obvious reality that I am unworthy. Again I have failed to comprehend the truth of who you are. Again I have longed for something more than my time with you. Why do I fail to realize that you are all need, that you would fill the spaces in my soul if I let you. I am lacking and many times I cannot understand why you would even want me.

I dare not go into your presence because there my filthy rages are clearly visible. In your presence I cannot hide what I do not want to see. Fear paralyzes me as I dare to draw closer to you; slowly I gain the strength to face you. My emotions begin to sway as if they are against each other. They tell me I am not enough, they remind me of my failures, and they begin to overpower my will with their half-truths. I struggle for my life, to breath, to be free. My emotions begin to chain me down and weigh on my soul. Finally, as if with the last of my strength I cry out your name.

Immediately you are with me, you break my chains and pick me up into your arms. Then you whisper truth into my soul. You tell me of your love for me, a love that led you to die for me. I cannot fathom why you the creator of all, the one who has always been, the one who speaks things into existence, the one who holds life in his hands would want me... but you do and you heal me with with your truth.

The dreamer's heart trapped in a realist's mind

There is a constant battle waging on inside of me. Do I blindly follow my heart wherever it takes me or do I do the "smart" thing? I feel as if more often than not the realist wins the battle but I am beginning to learn that the dreamer is sometimes right. Sometimes in life I need to blindly jump even though it's scary and I have no idea what I'm jumping into.

This summer I went to Greece on a study abroad trip, one of our day trips was to Andros Island. It was beautiful! While we were swimming in the Mediterranean Sea a friend called for me to come see something. I went to where she was and she told me, "I just jumped off the cliff, now it's your turn." I looked at her and then started to walk toward the edge of the cliff so that I could see where I'd be jumping, if I decided to jump, but before I could get to the edge she stopped me and said don't look, don't think, just trust me and jump." Then I gave her this "It's never gonna happen" look and she said, "Don't make me out do you on this trip." That was all I needed, it was the extra push I needed, I told myself if she did it I can do it. So I said okay, backed up a bit, and ran toward the end of the cliff and jumped off. It was terrifying and completely thrilling all at the same time. I had no idea how high up I was and what was below me until I jumped. The jump was about 50 feet high and I still have no idea how deep the water was but I was nowhere near touching the bottom.

This experience among others (like moving across the country to follow my dream of going seminary) has lead me to a place where I am finally beginning to allow myself to think the dreamer in me has it right and maybe neither the dreamer nor the realist are always right but they are both sometimes right. Yes I do still need to be realistic in that I need to get my studying done on time and turn in assignments and be a responsible adult however there is no reason I shouldn't dream of what I want to do when I finish seminary. I have every right to dream that one day I will be working in ministry full-time and be married to an amazing Godly man who is worth waiting for and that I will have the children I have longed for and dreamed of all these years. But also I am allowed to dream of the life I can have now. I can pour myself out into women that are younger than me because I know what it is like to wish that more women would have taken the time share their victories and defeats with me (and I still do). I can be all the things to others that I wish I had had.

So as for the realist and it's ideas of self preservation and advancement, it will have to seek another to dominate because I think it's about time I remembered how to dream big and without fear. Sometimes, I need to remember that I don't actually have control over my life and that when I give God control I can trust that whatever He has asked me to jump into He will be with me through whatever it is. When I think of it that way allowing the dreamer in me to win is comforting.